The Gift of Being Prepared with Sonja S. Koenig

In this episode of Seeing Death Clearly, I’m joined by end-of-life doula Sonja Koenig for a conversation about grief, family, advocacy, and what it really means to prepare for the end of life.

Much of Sonja’s perspective has been shaped by the death of her brother Juan, a Marine who lived with serious health challenges for 16 years, including kidney failure, dialysis, COPD, and heart problems. During his final hospitalization, Sonja and her mother found themselves advocating for his care while also trying to make important decisions and complete documents that should ideally have been addressed long before a crisis.

After Juan died, Sonja was confronted with another difficult reality: how much had been left unfinished. Important paperwork, personal wishes, financial matters, and other details still needed attention at a time when the family was already grieving.

That experience reinforced something Sonja now emphasizes in her work: end-of-life planning isn’t only for people who are elderly, seriously ill, or actively dying. Preparing ahead of time can make an enormous difference for the people we leave behind.

We talk about practical steps such as organizing important documents, discussing healthcare wishes, completing advance directives, and making sure the people you trust know where to find the information they may someday need. Sonja also shares ideas for legacy planning, including writing letters or creating videos that allow loved ones to hold onto stories, memories, and messages long after someone is gone.

Our conversation also explores Sonja’s changing relationship with death and grief, including how the death of a close friend helped her begin seeing death as a natural part of life rather than something to avoid talking about.

We discuss how children experience grief, including Sonja’s experience supporting her young nephew after Juan’s death, and why honest, age-appropriate conversations can help children understand loss rather than leaving them to make sense of it on their own.

Sonja also shares the work behind her “R U Ready? Prepare With Purpose” program, which encourages individuals and families to begin these conversations and organize their affairs before an emergency forces them to.

Ultimately, this episode is a reminder that preparing for death isn’t about expecting the worst. It’s about making our wishes known, reducing uncertainty, preserving what matters to us, and making things a little easier for the people we love when the time comes.

00:00 Facing Death Honestly

00:18 Meet the Host and Guest

01:32 Sonja’s Life and Family

03:13 Gardening as Healing

03:53 From Fear to Calling

10:17 Bugs Boundaries and Nature

17:44 Juan’s Illness Story

19:10 Getting Affairs in Order

22:30 Advocacy at the Hospital

25:29 Aftermath and R U Ready

26:36 Purpose Through Loss

29:28 Missing the Family Chef

32:52 Helping a Child Grieve

38:33 Legacy Beyond Money

40:45 Normalize End of Life Planning

43:54 Premarital Planning Gap

45:42 Book and Course Details

50:31 Final Resources and Farewell

eolcareinstitute.org

sfkoenig@eolcareinstitute.org

Amazon END OF LIFE PEACE OF MIND FOR YOUR FAMILY: LEAVE A LEGACY YOUR FAMILY WILL REMEMBER https://a.co/d/00YVI7rD

Transcript

Sonja: [00:00:00] We have too many adults in this world that are afraid of death. We need to stop trying to protect our kids from it. We need to be honest with them and let them experience it and exposed to it so that they can become adults that's not afraid of it, that understand the process of being born and living and then we're gonna die.

Jill: Welcome back to Seeing Death Clearly. I'm your host, Jill McClennen, a death doula and funeral celebrant. Here on my show, I have conversations that explore death, dying, grief, and life itself, with the hope of making these topics feel a little less intimidating and a little more approachable. Today, I'm joined by Sonja S. Koenig, an end of life doula whose understanding of death has been shaped by both her work and her own experiences with loss.

Much of our conversation centers around her brother, Juan, a Marine who lived with serious health challenges for 16 years before his death. Sonja shares what it was like to advocate for him alongside their mother, the realities they faced in the hospital, and the difficulty of realizing how [00:01:00] many things were left unfinished when he died.

That experience strengthened Sonja's commitment to helping families prepare before a crisis happens. We talk about organizing important documents, having conversations about our wishes, legacy planning, and why end of life preparation isn't only something we should think about when someone is sick or dying.

Thank you for joining us for this conversation. Welcome, Sonja, to the podcast. Thank you for joining me today. Before we get into your work and what you do, why don't you tell me a little bit about you, who you are outside of the work that you do? 

Sonja: Well, I am a mom of two awesome young men. I'm proud of them because they are 10th generation military in my family.

Jill: Wow. 

Sonja: My baby boy is a Marine, and my big boy, he is Army Reserve right now. But next year he will graduate from Texas A&M San Antonio, and he will be an officer in the Army in engineering. And I'm very, [00:02:00] very proud of them 'cause they have been a great blessing to my husband and I. They're my miracle babies. I am married to Richard Brian Koenig and proud to be his Nubian queen.

I know he is a gift that God has given me, and we mesh well. And I come from a family of eight children. I have awesome siblings. One of my brothers, my older brother, who was one of my best friends, my sparring partner, he passed away April of this year- Mm ... on my wedding anniversary, and he is- The one that was a catalyst to a program that I have developed all because of 16 years of working with him and his illness.

And I am very active in my church. I love my church, The Purpose Church in Marion, Texas. I love my pastors. I'm very, very active in my church, and I love the community. I love working with seniors. I volunteer at a community [00:03:00] resource center in Converse, Texas, and I volunteer at Esplanade Gardens in Converse, Texas, which is a senior living community.

And I have clients that are seniors, and I love working with seniors. And I'm a gardener. I love to garden. That is my therapy. I call that therapy, and whenever I go out gardening, my husband will ask me, "Well, how long are you gonna be in therapy?" And I tell him, "Well, I don't know. Until I finish." And I usually do a lot of gardening when I've had a death that I have dealt with.

And for me, after the death, and then I go out and garden, that's my way of bringing life. I've been able to help someone walk the journey of them transitioning from this earth, and then I go outside and help my trees and my plants transition to life. And, and I enjoy doing that And that's a, I've been a end-of-life doula for over 30 years.

[00:04:00] I didn't like it at first. It was not a choice that I chose at first, 'cause I didn't like death. And that was in 1991 when I first started, and every time I kept running from it, God kept bringing me back to it. 'Cause I ran from it doing different things. I have a degree as a paralegal, and I love the law, but ironically, as a paralegal, I mostly did estate planning.

And I'm like, but I like criminal law. But I did estate planning and still took care of people until they passed away, and it kept coming back to me. But it wasn't until 2010 when my best friend passed away and I was there taking care of her, and she came to me in a dream. And in the dream we got a chance to talk, 'cause I didn't get a chance to talk with her for four years before she passed because she was not able to function to talk.

She functioned as a 18-month-old. Mm. And in a [00:05:00] dream, when I heard someone call her name and say, "Okay, Zab, it's time for you to come home now," and she got up, and then she turned back to me and she pointed her finger and she said, "Now go do what God has told you to do." And I knew immediately what she was talking about.

And when I woke up from that dream, I didn't have a heart of resisting death. I welcomed death, and I welcomed, not in a negative way, 'cause most people say, "Well, that's so morbid." I'm like, you don't understand. Death is a part of life. We live, we're born, we live, then we die. You can't get out of that. That is guaranteed.

And for me now, death is a part of life. I welcome it. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid to talk about it. I will talk to anybody, I don't care who you are, anybody about it. And my goal is not to have you fear it, but to help you embrace that that is going to happen to you and you don't have to be afraid, so let's walk through this so you can have peace through [00:06:00] it.

And that's what I was able to do with my brother. I was able to walk through the last three months of his life, walk through that journey with him so that he can have a peaceful passing and not be afraid to pass. And by the time he passed- He was not afraid of it. He knew, okay, you know, this was gonna happen.

I can't stop it, so I can't fight it, so just let me embrace this and go peacefully. And so that is my goal i- in life, and I really believe that that is my purpose, is to help people, one, prepare for their end of life, and two, to help them when they're on that journey to transitioning, to help them have a peaceful transition.

Jill: And I am an avid gardener myself. I do find the same thing, where it's almost like therapy. When I get out into the garden, get my hands in the dirt, you know, just like touching things, looking at things, watching them grow- Mm-hmm ... and then also watching them die. [00:07:00] Mm-hmm. This lesson in, I do get a little sad, 'cause I mean, I'm, I'm in New Jersey, right?

So we have winter winter, right? And so in the fall when things are dying off and I know it's getting ready to be that season when everything's gone, there's no leaves on the trees, it's just gray and blah, I don't like it But I also have really used that as part of a practice for me of letting go of things that we can't control, embracing every season for what it is, including things that you don't always like, and then also looking forward to the new life and watching how every year my garden's different.

You know, I never really know what's gonna come. So I love gardening. Yes. It's like my favorite place to be. 

Sonja: And the fact that when the wintertime, we have, I call it fake winter, because we have winter in San Antonio, Texas, but it doesn't last long, and sometimes we have bad winters, sometimes [00:08:00] our winter is like, oh, okay, this is just fall, you know?

But during that time when my plants die, I know that I can put them in the compost- Mm-hmm ... and turn it into dirt and use it again, you know? And when I'm preparing my plants for winter, to me it's like, okay, I am preparing a human being for their end of life. And so I'm preparing my plants to either survive the winter or not, and if they don't survive, then I can use them again because I'll use them in a different way.

They won't be alive, but their death is able to help my new plants come to life, you know? And I love trees. I have lots of trees, fruit trees, and I love to grow trees, and I grow everything in a pot because we don't have good dirt here. So I grow them in a pot and, you know, and I love my plants as well.

Yep. I love my dog, but I love my plants, and I talk to them. [00:09:00] I will bathe them. Uh, if they get aphids, I go out there, I'm like, "No, you're not gonna be living here," you know? And I'll clean my plants with soapy water and talk to them and go pray over them. And for gardening, like, they're dead, but I get to bring life back in.

And so death at first was a hard thing for me- And, and I think that's how I, how I got into plants. And then I have a client who is 85, and she taught me so much about plants and the value of them, and how to love them and care for them. And so now after what she taught me, it makes gardening even more enjoyable.

I look forward to my therapy session. Some people, they don't wanna go to therapy. You know, I gotta go talk to this person and tell them all my problems, and I don't wanna share anything. But I can go talk to my plants and talk to God at the same time, and listen to my music and [00:10:00] sing and, and go to therapy, and it's so refreshing.

I'll start at 7:00 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday, and I'll be out there till about 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon and just enjoying my therapy session and, and gardening and playing in the dirt, you know. Mm-hmm. So I don't do worms very well, and I don't do ladybugs very well either. But my son- Ladybugs.

Oh ... I, I, I, you know, I'm not a bug person. I don't do bugs very well, or spiders. Mm-hmm. But my son says, "Mom, that's gonna help your garden. Don't kill those." So when I see a ladybug or a spider on my plants, I say, "You know what? I'm gonna go in the house and mind my business, and when I come back out, then I hope you leave so I can mind my business out here."

And you know, it never fails. When I see the bugs, I leave them alone, even bees, 'cause I don't do bees either- Mm-hmm ... or butterflies. I will come back in the house, let them take their time, and when I go back outside, they are gone. Mm-hmm. And I can work in my plants. [00:11:00] And I say, "Thank you, God," you know? So- Yes. 

Jill: No, and I, I get that.

I've grown as I've aged to be okay with spiders. I used to really not be okay with them. And for the most part now, I kinda have the policy of as long as you stay outside, we're good. Mm-hmm. Right? Like, we're, we're okay. But even the spiders, like, I'll make my husband or my son take them outside for me so that I don't have to kill them, because I do know they are such an important part of the environment.

And unfortunately, because so many of us do kill them, we're losing so much of what is needed. In order for our plants to grow, we need these bugs. We need the pollinators. We need the ones that- Yeah ... kill off the bad ones, right? But even today, I was out in my garden, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt because I'm always cold when I'm inside.

But I had my sweatshirt on, and a praying mantis got onto, like, the wrist, and I was like, "All right, buddy. We're gonna try to get you on a plant." So I tried [00:12:00] getting him onto a leaf by putting my arm near it. Well, instead he decides he's going to crawl up my arm, and at that point I'm like, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh," like, doing lots of panic. And I'm just like, "But look, we're gonna be cool as long as you don't crawl into my hair or on my face." I got him off onto a plant, and I said goodbye, and I made my way. But I definitely- Yeah ... had one of those moments of like, "Just please don't get on my face. Please don't get stuck in my hair.

Like, we, we can't do this." But I have learned to not get into that panic of like, "Oh, my gosh." Mm-hmm. Because I also know praying mantises, they're so beneficial. They w- they'll eat the aphids. They'll eat the pl- Mm-hmm ... like, the bugs that will kill things. So I try, but I am- Yes ... I am with you that there are some things that I'm like, "Look, you stay there.

I'll stay over here. We're good." 

Sonja: Mm-hmm. 

Jill: Don't come- That 

Sonja: is... When my boys were little, there was a very large banana spider outside our back door. Yeah. I wanted to go outside, [00:13:00] but that spider was right outside the front door, so I'm like, "No, I'm not going out there." And my boys saw it, and they were so excited about it.

And I said, "You know what? Daddy needs to kill that." "No, Mommy, don't kill it. Don't kill it." I said, "Okay." So I opened the window and I told the spider, "If you stay outside, you will live, but the minute you come into my house, I'm gonna get somebody to kill you. Now, I ain't gonna do it myself 'cause I'm scared of it.

I'm gonna get somebody to kill you, so please stay outside." That spider stayed outside, and whenever I would go outside, he would crawl up into the corner. I'd go outside, do what I got to do. I'd come back in and the boys would say, "Mommy, the spider's back again." And he'd come right back down, and we had a mutual agreement, you know?

Mm-hmm. And then one day it was gone and the boys said, "Mommy, did you kill the spider?" I said, "No, the wind blew and God took it to the other side of the house," 

Jill: and it was on the other 

Sonja: side of the house. But yeah, because I have boys, and my boys were all about saving the [00:14:00] spiders and the butterflies and- Mm-hmm

which things I'm terrified of. So I learned, I still don't like them, but I learned because of my boys, and they educated me on the import- especially my baby boy. He educated me the importance of ladybugs and spiders and butterflies- Mm ... and bees around my plants. And so I'm like, "Okay, I can't kill these, but I gotta figure out a way to survive with them."

Mm-hmm. So, you know, I just go talk to them. I don't know whether they understand me or not, but it gives me comfort knowing I can talk to y'all and then y'all can go somewhere else. And then, then I'll come back and I'll tell them, "I'm getting ready to come back out now." 

Jill: Yeah ... 

Sonja: you know, it makes me feel better, 'cause I can talk to them and I hope they hear me, and I- they must hear me because when I go back out they're not there, so.

Jill: Good. No, and I actually had learned about this, I wanna say they're Buddhist, maybe they're Hindu, but, like, people that will literally [00:15:00] sweep the ground in front of them before they walk so that they never cause harm to any living being, including any ants or any bugs. They just will not kill any of them.

Okay. And so when I heard about that I thought, all right, so if these people can sweep the ground they walk on because they're that adamant about not causing harm, I could learn to deal with a spider. Mm. Right? I could learn to get it outside even if I scream and jump around like a lunatic when I'm trying to do it.

Yes. I could make sure that I could move the spider outside and not take the easy route and kill it. And so- Mm ... that's what really motivated me, was after hearing that, I was like, all right, Jill, you can do this. 'Cause I do. I try to live my life as best as I can not causing harm to any living being. Mm. I do eat meat.

I mean, I, I know that that does cause harm, but, you know, that's a whole topic in and of itself. Mm-hmm. I try to be conscious and [00:16:00] aware. I eat as much vegetarian as I can. But I just figure the, the little bit I can do. Mosquitoes, they gotta die. They love me, they bite me up. Those guys, those, I'm sorry, you gotta go.

But other than that, I really have tried to, to not cause harm to any living beings. I try. Mm-hmm. 

Sonja: You know what? We make an exception. Mosquitoes, yeah, I feel you. They need to go. You got to go. 

Jill: Mm-hmm. 

Sonja: But even for the mosquitoes, I buy plants that are repellents for mosquitoes. And then I, I'm an essential oils girl.

I do essential oils. Mm-hmm. And I'll spray my windows and my front door with the oils that help repel the- Mm-hmm ... mosquitoes and the flies, and it works. I mean, it really, uh, you know, 'cause I don't like using chemicals on myself, and I don't wanna save the mosquitoes. I'm not gonna lie. I, I want them dead. I will save the, the spiders and the ladybugs, but not the mosquito- I don't know what purpose [00:17:00] mosquitoes have.

But I do use my oils to repel them and, and it really works. But I'm like you. I don't wanna harm nature, 'cause I love nature, but I- I ain't gonna lie, I got a fear of, of bugs, and I will kill the ones that come in my house. 

Jill: Yeah. 

Sonja: You come in my house, you in my territory, you in my environment. But if I go in yours, I'm gonna try to respect you in your environment.

Uh, even the mosquitoes that I don't like. So I keep flowers and plants around the house and around my door to keep the bugs out, the flies and the mosquitoes out. 

Jill: I do my best to just try and keep them out and away from me, and, but we're good. Mm-hmm. And so I wanna know a little bit more about your brother, because you had said that he was ill for a while.

It was a couple years? 

Sonja: Yes. He had been sick for 16 years. Wow. He was in kidney failure. And then I [00:18:00] believe the last 14 years is when he had been on dialysis. Mm-hmm. And he would've been 60 this year, December 12th. And he was in the military. He was a Marine, and I really looked up to him. When we were kids, we fought a lot, but he looked out for me.

He always looked out for me. And the older I got, I started looking out for him, and he was my older brother, but sometimes I would take his older brother card away from him because I had to be the one taking care of him instead of him being there for me. And towards the last maybe five years, his kidney issues, 'cause then he had COPD he developed, then he h- had heart issues, then he got really, really sick.

And a lot of times he would divorce the family. He would just leave and not tell us- Where he is, and we'd never know anything had happened to him until we get a call from the hospital. Or [00:19:00] we'd get a call from the VA 'cause he didn't show up for dialysis. 'Cause he never really called us unless he needed something from us, and when he would divorce us, we would say, "Oh, well, Juan'll be back.

You know, he'll probably be gone a while, and we're good with that." And in January, he called me and he said, "Sis, I really need to see you." I said, "Okay, for what?" You know, 'cause whenever he would say that, he always wanted something. I mean, it's like, can't you just call me because you love me and you miss me, not 'cause you want something?

But he says, "Well, I'm in the hospital again, and I really don't think I'm gonna make it, and I need to get my affairs in order." Now, for 16 years I've been telling him, "You need to get your affairs in order. You need to get this done. You need to get that done." He would always say to me, "Why are you putting me in the ground all the time?"

I said, "Dude, I'm not trying to put you in the ground. I'm just trying to get you prepared because when you die, I'm gonna be the one stuck with trying to take care of all your stuff, and I don't wanna have to do that. So I'm trying to help you get ready now." But he would never, [00:20:00] ever do anything. And so in January of this year, I went to the hospital and he's wrote down instructions and stuff for me.

He didn't have a, a hospital, a, a medical power of attorney. He didn't have any of that, those paperwork. And I told him, I said, "Dude, you're gonna get this done, and we're getting it done now, and I don't wanna hear, 'Are you putting me in the ground?'" I said, "First of all, you not going in the ground. I'm burning you up because you don't have any money to put yourself in the ground or to get burnt, and we gonna have to come out of our pockets.

So we're doing all this stuff now." And so I got, helped him to get his medical power of attorney, his directive to physician, his out-of-hospital DNR, all the necessary stuff he needed to have. And he is a veteran, and we were at the VA, and maybe it was Four m- four weeks later, 'cause then he was in the hospital for good, and I had all of his paperwork done, and there was a hangup at the hospital.

And they went to him, and he had [00:21:00] just had a procedure done on his lungs, and I already had his medical power of attorney done, and they had a hangup and they couldn't find it, so they prepared one for him. And I said, "No, y'all are not going to do that. He already has one." I said, "And furthermore, he's on drugs.

He just had a procedure done, and he's not thinking straight." I said, "You can't give him... You can't do this medical stuff with him, this legal stuff, when he's not even thinking straight. He's full of the drugs from his procedure." And so we got that all straightened out. And the closer he... 'Cause he died in April, April the 1st.

In February, we thought he was really gonna go, and he said, "Sis, am I dying?" I said, "Yes, you are going to die. You're gonna die." He says, "Well, I don't feel like I'm dying." I said, "Well, just 'cause you're not dying, it doesn't mean you're not going to die. You are going to die." And he has a five-year-old little boy.

Oh. And he said he made an agreement with God that if he let him live to see his son graduate [00:22:00] from high school, that God would let him live. I said, "Okay, you said God's gonna let you live to see your son graduate from high school, but what are you doing for God? You're not doing anything for God. You're not even spending time with God."

And I said, "And you know what? You're not gonna live to April. You're gonna die before April." I said, "Yes, Juan, you are in that bad of shape. I do not expect you to make it to April." And my mama said, "Yeah, he showed you, didn't he?" I said, "Yeah, he stayed till April the 1st." And so he made it to April. And so the closer he got to his illness, my mother and I took care of him for three months.

We were at the hospital with him every day. I did the night shift. I stayed there in the nighttime. My mom was there during the daytime because I love my brother. Yes, he was a knucklehead. He gave us a hard time, but he knew even though he did not treat his family well, he knew that his sister will always be there for him no matter what.

And [00:23:00] he was right. I would fuss and complain, and I would tell my mama, "Your son..." Whenever I got mad at my brother, I called him my mama's son. He wasn't my brother. I'd say, "Your son." And she'd say, "What are you and Juan fighting about now?" And so he always knew I would be there, and my mom and I, we were his advocates, and that is something that I believe every person that is transitioning, they need to have an advocate.

Because a point comes where they can't advocate for themselves. There were several times while my brother was in the hospital where he was not able, because he was on drugs from his medications and stuff, and he was not able to think straight, so my mom and I had to go fight his battles for him. And it got to a point where whenever the people in the hospital, the staff, the nurses, and the doctors, they knew they had to treat Juan well, and they had to do everything correctly.

Because they knew that his mom and his [00:24:00] sister, they knew their stuff They can't cut corners. They couldn't treat him like he was a nobody. They couldn't talk to him any kind of way, because whenever, 'cause he got to a point where he couldn't talk to us, so he would write us notes. Or he would call me and he would text me, you know, "What's going on?"

And he would FaceTime me. And he knew that when he had problems, my mother and I were there Johnny-on-the-spot, and we would put them people in their place if, and if we had questions, if we didn't feel they were treating him well, if they weren't answering his questions, you know, we put them in their place, and we were there.

And my brother, in the end, I spent a lot of time with him, and he was able to ask me to forgive him for all the years that he was a butt to us, and how he treated us. And he knew I loved him regardless, you know? And my youngest son, who is a Marine because of my brother, 'cause my brother was a Marine, my youngest son came home last year for Christmas, [00:25:00] and he spent some time with his uncle before his uncle passed.

He spent, at the hospital, he stayed there. He would help bathe his uncle, help him eat, took care of his uncle. And my brother said that meant a lot to him, because my nephew loved him enough to, instead of going to hang out with his friends, he came to the hospital to take care of his uncle, and love on him.

And unbeknownst to my son, that was his last time seeing his uncle. And my brother, his struggle was hard. It was hard trying to take care of his affairs, because there were times when he couldn't tell me things, and I had to try to figure it out. And I would be mad at him and frustrated, because if he hadn't done it when I told him, when he was in his right mind-

running back and forth to the hospital trying to figure things out, running back and forth to the bank trying to figure things out. One of my brothers that lives in Utah, he's a veteran. I, [00:26:00] I was never military, but all my brothers were, and my dad, and my uncles. And my brother who is a veteran, he came from Utah to spend a week with us to help me get Juan's military stuff taken care of, 'cause I wasn't familiar with some of the lingo and how things are done.

And he came to help take care of things w- for Juan. And even now, 'cause he died April the 1st, I'm still trying to take care of things for him that he should have done himself But he didn't, and that's what feared me. I have a program called R U Ready? Prepare With Purpose, and it's a five-week course where I walk one-on-one, holding a person's hand, helping them to get their end of life affairs in order, and it was because of what I went through with my brother.

So I've helped people, for 30 some years I've helped people get their end of life affairs in order. But when it's personal, when it hits home, it [00:27:00] is so different. You actually get to see what people go through when their loved ones don't get their end of life affairs in order. I teach people, "You need to make sure you do this, make sure you do that."

But I actually lived it with my own brother, and I was like, wow, now I understand the stress and the frustration when you have to go do that for your family 'cause they didn't do that for themselves. I thank God that my parents, they're still alive, and I have a three-inch binder of all of their insurance policies, the VA stuff, everything, so that when it's my parents' time I don't have to try to find stuff.

I don't even have to plan their funeral. My mom and my dad, they've already done that. My mother has her whole program written out. I don't even have to do that, you know? And so being with my brother was, [00:28:00] it was a good experience for me. It was a lesson for me. I didn't particularly like it, but I thank God that I was there for my brother and I was able to navigate for him.

Although I didn't like it, I knew a lot of what to do, so I can imagine families that don't know what to do, what they go through. Because this is the field I'm in, I knew what to do for him. One of the doctors there, he was asking me, "Well, what do you do?" And I was telling him everything I do. He called all the nurses in.

He said, "We got a professional in here. She knows what she's talking about, so let's do things right." And so, like I said earlier, it's not something I wanted to do. I did not ask for this. But I love it now. I enjoy it, and I really believe this is my purpose in life is to help people, and I thank God for that because then when it was my brother's time, I was able to help him, [00:29:00] and able, 'cause I kept him updated on what I was doing and what was going on.

Although sometimes he didn't understand, and he didn't comprehend, and it didn't matter to me. What matters is communicating it to him to let him know this is what's going on. And so it was difficult. It really is, and even now, it's still kinda hard because I'm still dealing with stuff for him. So it keeps bringing back, you know, that my brother's never gonna be here anymore.

He's the chef. He was the chef of our family, and every time I was cooking or I didn't know how to do something, I would text him, and he would text me back or he would call me back and tell me, "Well, you need to do this. You need to do that." When I'm making meals, I would say, "Hey, look what I made," and I'd take a picture of it, and I have a garden and I have fresh herbs, and one day I was out there cutting herbs to cook, and I wanted to call him to tell him, "Hey, dude, I got fresh herbs," you know?

And a question that I normally would've asked him, [00:30:00] and I figured it out myself With the help of Google. When you use fresh herbs, it's not the same measurement as dry herbs. And I'm thinking, "Okay, I'll get some sage. Let me just cut my sage." And it says a half a teaspoon, so I'm gonna use a half a teaspoon.

No, not when it's fresh. You don't do that, you know? And those are things I would've called to ask him. And every now and then, I will pick up the phone, 'cause I wanna call him, and I'm like, I'll put it down. It's like, well, he can't answer that question 'cause he's not here anymore, you know? And so I will call my little brother and we'll sit there and try to figure out, what did Juan tell us?

How did he tell us to make this? And so even though my brother is gone, I can still feel him here. Because when I'm cooking, I can hear him. Remember the things he would tell me, how to do something. Or if I get stuck on a situation with his son, I can hear my brother telling me, "This is what you need to do with him."

But it's [00:31:00] gonna be difficult, 'cause his birthday is December 12th, my birthday's December 30th. And when he turned 60 and when I turned 60, we were gonna have a big party together to celebrate both of us being in our 60s, but now I can't do that. But he was good, and he is definitely missed by our family.

'Cause there's eight of us, and now we're down to seven. But we do miss him and realize he was bigger in the family than he realized. And he was also a pain in my side too. He was a pain in my side, because he would call me in the middle of the night, "Sis, I need your help." And I said, "Well, why didn't you call 911?"

"Well, if I call them, they won't take me to the VA, and I wanna go to the VA." And he lived 45 minutes from me. And I love my brother, and I would get up at 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock, put some clothes on, and drive on his side of town to go get him and take him to the VA, you know? Mm. And whenever he got in trouble, he would call me or he'd call our baby brother.

And 'cause our baby [00:32:00] brother's a cop, and he lives here in San Antonio, or in Converse, rather. And he would call either him or call me, you know, and w- we would be there. And we would complain. Oh, we would fuss and complain, but we would be there for him, you know? But he is definitely missed, and I really hate that he's not gonna be here to grow old with us, you know?

And I always told him, I said, "Dude, we gonna be old and you ain't gonna be here anymore." "Well, how do you know that?" I said, "Look, you not taking care of yourself." I said, "I don't have to be a genie in the bottle to see that you not gonna be here to get old with us. Just look how you take care of yourself," you know?

And I'm like, "I know I'm not God and I don't know the future, but what you're doing is showing me that you not gonna be here." And he's not, you know? But he's definitely missed and definitely loved, truly loved. My nephew talks about his dad all the time. He's five years old. He doesn't quite understand death, but I [00:33:00] think he's- Somewhat, because he'll ask me questions about his dad, and he'll ask me questions about d- being dead, you know?

And I don't believe in lying to children. I don't believe in- Mm-hmm ... sugarcoating it. I don't believe in trying to make it sound good for them. Because m- my chil- my boys are 23 and 21, and they have walked this journey with me in taking care of people that are dying. So my kids are very familiar with death, and they were familiar with it at a very young age.

Because I would tell them straight up. And some people would say, "Well, they're too young to understand." I'm like, "Well, they will someday. They'll get it." And my youngest was 19 when he was in the military, he said, "Mama, I need to get my end-of-life affairs in order." I'm like, "So why?" He said, "Because I got a dangerous d- job, and I'ma die at any time, and I don't want you to have to worry about things."

And so at 19, my baby boy got all his stuff in order. Because he understood because he [00:34:00] walked this journey with his mom. And so my nephew, we talk about his dad being dead, and what does that mean? I asked him when he's sad, what do you do? His mom's having behavioral problems from him, because we believe he's still trying to understand death, and he knows his dad's not here, but he gets sad, so then he gets violent.

Yeah. He goes and hits kids and push kids. So we're trying to teach him that's not a good option. That's not the way you deal with sadness, you know? And so we talk to him. I don't just ignore that he's five years old. Well, he don't get it, so you know, I'll stay away from him. I won't talk to him about it.

That's not true, because children grieve differently. Children grieve way different than adults do. And we as adults, I believe that we need to stop trying to protect our kids from it. We need to be honest with them and let them experience it and exposed to it so that they can become adults that's not [00:35:00] afraid of it.

They can become adults that understand the process of being born and living, and then we're gonna die. We have too many adults in this world that are afraid of death. They don't wanna talk about it. They think it's so morbid. They try to stay away from it. Well, if you talk about it, it's gonna happen. No, that's not true.

Not right now, but it is gonna happen someday. When I had someone come to me and they said, "Well, if you talk about death, you're just bringing it, you know, talking death on yourself." I'm like, "Well, I'm gonna die someday." You know, it was my very first man that I had, his name was Virgil Erwin Morgan, and he always talked to me about death.

And he said to me, "It's too late for you to talk about it after I'm gone. I won't be here w- to talk to you about it, so let's talk about it now." And For years, even when I fought taking care of people and I fought dealing with death, h- what he said to me always came [00:36:00] back to me, "Talk about it while you are alive, because once I'm gone, you cannot talk to me about it 'cause I'm not here."

Mm. He said, "Oh, you can come to my grave and you can talk to my grave, uh, dirt and some stone, but I can't answer back. Let's talk about it now." You know? And so he, from 1991, he is the one that really helped me to be able to talk about death You know? And so I talked to my nephew about death, and I helped him understand that is not something you fear.

And I told him, I said, "Sweetheart, I don't know when you're gonna die. I don't know when I'm gonna die, but whenever your time comes, you don't have to be afraid of it." You know? And so I talked to him about it. Does he understand it? I don't know, but this will, he will know is the older he gets, his Tati Sonja is always talking about it, and he's gonna understand what death is all about, and he's not gonna fear it because someone [00:37:00] took the time to help him understand it, you know?

And so when he wants to talk about his dad being gone, I sit down and talk to him. When he gets in trouble and gets kicked out of school, his mama calls me. I go get him, and he gotta come here, and he don't like that because he's gotta clean up doggy poop, pick up rocks , pick up trash, you know, 'cause he can't behave.

But we get a chance to sit down, and we talk about his dad, 'cause he's always wanting to talk about his dad, you know? "And I love my daddy." And I'm like, "And you know what? Your daddy loves you, too." You know? He is a blessing to our family. I really hate that my brother cannot be here to see his son grow up, but I am thankful that we get to be here, and we get to help keep the memory of his father in his head.

Because a lot of kids, when they're two, three, four, five years old, and their mama died or their daddy died, when they become adults, they don't really remember much [00:38:00] about that parent, you know, because you don't talk about them. Well, we talk about Juan all the time. And so when his son gets older, he's gonna know, and h- we have his dad's picture, so he can always see his dad's picture, pictures with him and his dad together.

So when he gets older, he's not gonna forget about his dad. He's gonna remember a lot, 'cause his dad even wrote some things to him before he passed, and he'll have those to remember his dad and see the words that his dad had for him. 'Cause that's one of the things when I'm working with my families is I teach about leaving a legacy, about writing letters and doing videos.

And I tell them, "If you're not gonna be here the rest of your child or grandchild's life, then write letters to them." You know? And unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to have my brother write a lot of letters, but what he did write to his son, we're gonna have that for him to see. You know? But [00:39:00] leaving a legacy is not always about money.

It's not always about material things. But when you leave letters, when you leave videos, you leave encouragement, that is what helps a family to remember you, and when you get your end of life affairs in order. I've had so many families that did not get their end of life affairs in order, and mom and dad dies, and then there is a lot of chaos.

The kids are trying to mourn, the family's trying to mourn, but now they gotta mourn with chaos and stress. You know, but when you properly prepare, like now my husband and I have been married 26 years, and the week after we got married, I got our end of life affairs in order because while I was a paramedic and I did estate planning, so I made sure we got our affairs in order.

So when we die, I know that my boys are not gonna have to stress over what did mom and daddy want. Even when we get to a point where we can't communicate for ourselves, you know, [00:40:00] we can't tell the doctors what we want, my boys will know what to do, and that right there is leaving a legacy for them because then they're gonna think, "You know what?

Mom and dad took the time to prepare this for me, so I didn't have to do it. Let me do that for my children." Yeah. You know? And that's what I try to tell all of my students and participants in my program. When you do it now, when your child has to do- take care of things for you, they're going to be happy that you took care of things so they didn't have to, and then they're gonna think, "I need to do this for my children."

Jill: Yeah. 

Sonja: So it's gonna leave a domino effect. You know, mom and dad did it- The kids did it, the grandkids did it, the great-grandkids, and it helps to relieve stress. And unfortunately, like I said, I've been doing this sort of for over 30 years, and I have found people of color, they, they don't always... This is not something that we do.

You know? It, it, we don't get our end of [00:41:00] life affairs in order. That's just not something we were taught to do, and that's being morbid, or you're speaking death, or you're putting a curse over somebody. No, you're just trying to help your family so that they don't have to be stressed. And people of color are not known for getting their end of life affairs in order.

They're not known for getting policies to help with burials. One of my pet peeve, and I told my brother, I said, "Dude, when you die, I am not having any dinners. I'm not selling any dinners." I said, "Now, I might sell all the stuff in your house that you got, but I am not selling any dinners. I'm just not doing that."

You know, before I got into this, I was like, "Oh, yeah, I'll help do that." But now I understand we have the time. We have the time to make plans for our family. We get some people that says, "Oh, I'm gonna be dead," like my brother. "Oh, I'm gonna [00:42:00] be dead. I don't have to worry about it. So and so can take care of it."

Well, that's not fair to so and so. 

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. 

Sonja: That's not fair to them. You know, especially if you know you're ill. You know, thank God I've had a chance to work with people before they were sick and people that were sick. I tell them, "Although there's nothing wrong with you right now, what you're doing is great because when the time does come and something is wrong, you might be in an accident, you may get a terminal illness, you might just all of a sudden you can't remember nothing- Mm

but you got this already done for somebody to make decisions for you, for somebody to help take care of matters for you, to do things for you that you cannot do. And I told my boys, "Y'all don't have to sell dinners for Mama, and you don't have to sell dinners for Daddy because we got everything together.

When something happens to us, this is the, everything is already done." And this is the monies that you're gonna need to help cremate us. 'Cause I don't put money in [00:43:00] the ground. I just, that's my preference. I'm not putting money in the ground. But you can cremate me. I told them, "Cremate me, put me in a, a purple urn, 'cause I got to urn.

Put me in a purple urn, and then go take me some- to somebody's garden, 'cause if you don't have a garden, take me to somebody's garden and sprinkle my ashes." And I tell them, "Whatever you do, just prepare somebody else doesn't have to do it." If we got into the habit, we can prepare for a wedding. 

Jill: Mm-hmm. 

Sonja: We can prepare for our babies being born.

We can prepare for our kids going back to school like we doing now, prepare for them to go to college. Why can we not prepare for our end of life? That's just it to me That is just as important as preparing for a wedding. 

Jill: Mm-hmm. 

Sonja: Preparing for school. You know, preparing for a youth retreat. That is just as important, but people don't see it that way.

My parents are pastors, and they do marriage counseling. And I tell them, I said, "You know, when you counsel your [00:44:00] couples, talk to them about preparing for end of life." 

Jill: Yeah. 

Sonja: Because you never know when one spouse is gonna die. I mean, I have known of incidents where a couple was married, and the next day... And they were perfectly healthy.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with them. And the next day, one of the spouse is dead because of an accident. 

Jill: Oh, it's tragic. So, 

Sonja: yes. But if you prepare now, prepare while you're in premarital counseling, prepare so then once y'all are married, if something happens, it's all taken care of. 

Jill: Yeah. People don't pre- That's a great idea about premarital counseling.

Mm-hmm. 'Cause right, you prepare for- The things- ... your life together in premarital counseling. This is a really important thing that you're gonna have to do with your spouse. Mm-hmm. Unless you die together in an accident, one of you is gonna have to know that information for the other one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Sonja: Because even when my husband and I got married and [00:45:00] we went to premarital counseling, we talked about sex, we talked about having kids, we talked about finances, we talked about everything, but we did not talk about getting our end of life affairs in order.

Not once did the pastor go over, "Do y'all have things in order in case one of you die?" Not once. 

Jill: Mm-hmm. 

Sonja: And that's when it should have been, before the marriage. Yeah. That's when it should be, 'cause decisions should be made right then and there. You know? And I mean, of course we had ours done because, I mean, that was the field I'm in, so- 

Jill: Yeah.

Sonja: I got it done. Yeah. But, you know, when you have premarital counseling, that is a topic that should be discussed. 

Jill: Mm. 

Sonja: You know? Wow. I, I have a book we, that I made, my mother and I, who is my education director. We, we made a book called Peace of Mind for Your Family. Mm-hmm. And in this book, it is all about getting your end of life affairs in order and [00:46:00] writing down all the necessary information.

You know, there's a place in there for veterans, a place for police officers, a place for firemen. You know, I mean, everything you could possibly think of or want to ask a person, it's in there. It's even when you go to the funeral home, what information you need to have at a funeral home. When you have the honor guards that does your service at the cemetery, what you need to know for that.

And I tell my parents, when y'all do premarital counseling, give your couples w- this book. And go over it with them so that they will know this is what you need to be thinking about. This is what you need to complete together, you know? And so when they do premarital counseling, that is a gift that I give to the...

And I don't even know who their couples are. Yeah. But that is a gift that I give to their couples because I don't think that's a subject that should be discussed later. Yeah. That's a subject that should be discussed during your premarital counseling. 

Jill: Yeah. You know? And I've never heard of anybody actually doing that.

So maybe [00:47:00] there's people listening right now that do premarital counseling. And hopefully they will now take that. And we are actually about the end of our time. So this is actually a perfect trans- Wow ... perfect transition into your book, any events you have coming up, your website, all of that stuff. So why don't you tell me if people want your book or if they want to do this course with you.

Yes. Where can they find all that? 

Sonja: So if you go to our website, End of Life Care Institute, eolci.org, it'll have all the information in there about our book. 'Cause you can purchase the book on Amazon. There, it's green and it has my family's picture on there with my mom and all of us kids. And then I have a purple one that has my husband, my boys on the picture on the front cover, and that's the expanded edition.

Okay. 'Cause the first edition is just a quick let's get it done. The expanded edition gives you explanation on every category why it is so important to get it done. And you can go to the website, and my website [00:48:00] will, there's a link to the website. And then we have a program called Are You Ready? Prepare With Purpose.

It is a five-week program, and it is where... Well, six, 'cause the first week is before we begin just to tell you this is what we're gonna be doing. And then the other five weeks is I'm educating you. Because to me, it's not just, "Okay, let's sit down and get your end of life affairs in order." Each week- We talk about a subject that's important to doing that, and why, and how to do it.

And the reason we take five weeks is 'cause it's overwhelming. It is overwhelming to have to do all of this at once. So every week, we go step by step, we talk about each topic that you need to cover, and there's homework assignments where you gotta get this material and that material together. And then when we come back the next week, I help you organize it.

And it's a one-on-one, so you're not on this journey alone. Because for some people, I have found they don't wanna do it because they don't know [00:49:00] where to start. Yeah. It's too much work. I gotta do all this myself, you know, and I don't understand these different things. So I hold your hand and walk you through it.

There is a fee, and then when you look on the website, it'll show you, 'cause we have three different categories of where you can get our support. I have several books that we have written. We have several courses that we have written, and each one of our books has a course to go with it. You can find all that information on our website at End of Life Care Institute, eolcareinstitute.org.

Jill: Yeah, and I'll put a link right in the show notes so people can easily just go to the show notes, click the link to your website, your book, all of that good stuff. But 

Sonja: thank you so much. And if you want to learn how to help- People how to walk through helping people get their affairs in order. We have a course.

It's a facilitator course. Oh, nice. It's Prepare with Purpose Facilitator course, and it's to teach you how to work with people in [00:50:00] helping them. And we have a guidebook. We have different packages that we use to help you on your journey in helping other people. 

Jill: I'm sure there's people listening that work in end of life care but don't necessarily help with that area.

Mm-hmm. So maybe there's some people listening that could use that resource. So thank you. You're welcome. But it was wonderful, Sonja. I really enjoyed this. I enjoyed getting to know you a little 

Sonja: bit, hearing about your garden. And all about your brother and all the work that you do. So thank you so much.

Thank you. 

Jill: If you've been listening to my podcast for a while and you hear me and my guests talk over and over about how important it is to create a plan for the end of life and to have the conversations with your loved ones about what's important to you, and you're thinking, "Okay, maybe it's time.

Maybe I should actually sit down and figure this out instead of just hoping it all works out later," I get it. These conversations can feel overwhelming or scary or just like something you'll deal with another day. But you don't have to do it alone. If you want help creating an end of life care [00:51:00] plan for yourself or for someone you love, maybe it's your aging parents, a spouse, whoever it is in your life, you can book a complimentary 30-minute call with me.

And we'll just talk. We'll get clear on what's going on for you and what the next right steps might be. There's no pressure, just support. The link's in the show notes whenever you're ready. And if this episode made you think of someone, a sibling, a friend, or another caregiver, feel free to share it with them.

Sometimes these conversations are easier to start when someone else opens the door first. Thank you for being here. The fact that you're even willing to listen to this kind of conversation means a lot.