Navigating Grief and Gratitude During the Holidays

In this special Thanksgiving episode, Jill McClennen discusses the complex emotions of gratitude and grief that many people experience during the holidays. Early in the morning, Jill felt a mix of thankfulness and sadness and realized that she was not alone in these feelings. Holidays often amplify what we're already feeling, creating a paradox of joy and sorrow, especially when dealing with the loss of loved ones, relationship issues, or even societal pressures. 

Jill emphasizes the importance of acknowledging grief instead of suppressing it. She recounts her personal experiences, including the loss of her grandmother and the challenges of maintaining holiday cheer amidst grief. Jill advises on setting boundaries, creating new rituals, and finding personal ways to cope, such as art and movement. 

She reminds listeners that it's okay to feel both gratitude and grief, and encourages them to reach out for support and to honor their complex feelings during the holiday season.

00:00 Introduction and Thanksgiving Reflections

00:50 Navigating Complex Emotions During Holidays

01:44 Societal Pressures and Isolation

02:24 Grief and Loss in Relationships

03:22 Anticipatory Grief and Global Concerns

04:16 Historical Context of Thanksgiving

05:43 Environmental Grief and Hope for the Future

06:49 The Empowered Grief Journey

08:29 Creating New Rituals and Setting Boundaries

13:37 Art as a Coping Mechanism

16:53 Final Thoughts and Support

18:09 Closing Remarks and Call to Action

Transcript

[00:00:00] I wanted to do a little special episode today. It is Thanksgiving in the United States. It's pretty early in the morning while I'm recording this, and I woke up today. Feeling this mixture of gratitude and also grief. I'm sure there's a lot of people that struggle with the same things around the holidays.

It could feel really complicated when we're going into the holidays and we want to feel the joy and happiness and gratitude. And all those beautiful things that come with holidays, while also feeling grief and sadness and fear, and a lot of other things that coexist at the same time. Gratitude and grief are both normal emotions.

Feeling both at the same time is totally normal. I decided to [00:01:00] create this episode. Today. I don't usually do special episodes like this. I rarely record by myself 'cause I don't like it very much. But I wanted to do this one today because I know that if I am feeling this, I am not alone. And I wanted all of you to know that you are not alone either the holidays.

Magnify what we're already feeling. That's part of why we like the holidays. It's a chance to get together with people we love, drink more, eat more, and indulge in things. We don't usually give ourselves permission to do the rest of the year. And unfortunately, there's also a lot of societal pressures to be cheerful, happy and show up a certain way when we go to gatherings around the holidays.

And that just can make [00:02:00] us feel even more isolated when we don't feel that feeling right now. You know, maybe we're feeling the grief a little bit more because somebody that we love, this is our first holiday without them. Whether the person has died. We really don't give a lot of attention to the fact that we can feel grief, the loss of somebody, even if they're not dead.

A lot of us have had, unfortunately because of politics, family members, friends that we just don't speak to anymore. We just can't speak to them anymore. You know, at least for me in particular, I've had friends over the years. That have come into my life and have left, that's part of life. But there's still grief and sadness, especially if it's somebody that I used to spend holidays with.

And depending on your relationship style, a lot of people in relationships that, especially in the [00:03:00] L-G-B-T-Q-I-A community, if you're polyamorous, there's a lot of people that we can't spend. Holidays with our loved ones because of not being open and out about relationships. So it leads to different feelings for people around the holidays.

And there's also anticipatory grief where we. Fearing the changes that are coming for a lot of us, again, in the United States, there's, I guess turmoil is a good word for it, chaos, whatever you wanna call it. So there is some grief about the fear of losing healthcare, losing jobs, just losing all different types of things because it's so chaotic and we just don't know what's happening.

Globally, collectively, we're watching wars. It seems to be [00:04:00] amplified right now. So we have access to so much information that we didn't have access to before going into a holiday that we know, at least those of us that want to be honest about. Our history for Thanksgiving in the United States, we like to think of it as this holiday where the Pilgrims and the Indians came together, like that story that we were taught when we were children.

But yet, if you listen to Native Americans, they're like, nah, y'all, this is a sad day for us. You know, this really is a day where. It's a reminder that when people came to their land, whether some of it was on purpose, some of it was just because they brought diseases with them, but either way. A whole lot of Native Americans died when we showed up and we meaning, you know, I'm a white [00:05:00] person in New Jersey, and it wasn't even my ancestors.

They were not people that came here during that time. But either way, I still benefit from white privilege, and I know that, and that's a whole other topic, but that also leads to feelings of grief and sadness and frustration and trying to navigate. A holiday where I'm supposed to show up around people and be happy, cheerful and grateful.

And I am. I'm grateful for everything that I have while also feeling grief, sadness, and loss around all of these complicated feelings about our country. And how we got to where we're at, even with environmental grief, somebody that's always cared a lot about the environment and watching, you know, all these natural disasters over the last year and how they're getting worse.

But yet now [00:06:00] we are turning back some of the environmental protections that we've had, knowing that that's gonna potentially lead to more environmental disasters. What's that gonna be like? All of those things definitely give me a feeling of grief and sadness and loss and fear for my children. I don't know what the world's gonna look like for my children.

Also, I am very hopeful. I'm hopeful for the world. I'm hopeful that my children and their generation will do better than we've done in the past, and that humans will. Persist 'cause that's what we do. And so again, feeling both and it's okay to feel both. There's nothing wrong with feeling both. Recently I co-authored a book called The Empowered Grief Journey.

It just came out this past weekend on Amazon. In my chapter, I wrote [00:07:00] about my grandmother dying, and a lot of what I talked about was this coexistence of joy and happiness at the time that I was able to spend with her, especially at the end of her life and the grief and sadness when she was gone, and how both of those things exist and how I am learning.

I learned then I'm still continuing to learn. That the most important thing to do is not try to pretend that we're not feeling these things, but to really honor that we are grieving something. Acknowledge the grief. If you wanna get a little woo about it, I guess in some ways, like ask the grief what it's trying to tell you.

You know? Like we need to not pretend that we are not feeling the grief and the sadness around the holidays. I'm somebody that came from a family too, where my parents were never married for me. [00:08:00] Holidays were a little bit stressful and I felt pulled in different directions. Even when I met my husband, I didn't like Christmas.

I didn't enjoy Christmas. So to me, when I was out on my own, my first thought was great. Now I don't have to celebrate Christmas 'cause I really don't want to. But then with time I was able to. Learn to enjoy it because I made it my own. I created my own version of what holidays look like when you're navigating holidays, not just Thanksgiving, like we're going into the holiday season and it can feel stressful with shopping for Christmas presents if you celebrate Christmas running around, there's so many parties.

December for me. I've really had to set some boundaries and give myself permission to not say [00:09:00] yes to everything that I get invited to because I find that it causes me stress and anxiety, especially now that I'm sober. I'm super ish, right? I all have like a glass of wine once every couple months. But I'm not gonna go to a party and drink.

And that was my coping mechanism in the past where I would go to parties and I would feel overwhelmed by all the people and just pushing myself to get to all the different events. Even participating in conversations where people would be saying really kind of shitty things and I'd just be drinking because I needed to in order to be able to be there and not.

Want to shut down and leave and I don't drink anymore. And the pressure to drink right around the holidays, especially, you go to a holiday party, if you're not gonna drink in your hand, you're gonna get asked 15 times. Do you wanna drink? Why don't you have a drink? You should have a drink. You need to set your boundaries.

Around events and don't feel bad about not [00:10:00] going to an event just because you were invited to, especially if you're feeling really heavy grief this season. Give yourself permission to say no to events. Create new rituals for yourself, for you, your friends, your family, whoever it is that you are around for the holidays.

That can be anything. Your imagination can run wild with rituals that you can create for yourself around the holidays and honoring the person that you've lost. One of the things for me right now is there's a lot of talk in the news about a certain set of files that can be really triggering. For survivors of sexual assault heading into the holidays already feeling triggered and emotional, and feeling grief over [00:11:00] who I was before creating this space for myself to honor me and honor this younger version of me.

And you can do that for yourself. You can. Honor and create a ritual, a sacred space, whatever you wanna call it, for versions of yourself before an event happened or before somebody you love became really ill. If you're taking care of somebody that has a terminal illness, there's a before and after version of you.

So create that little space to honor that person. Leaning on support, finding your friends, turning towards your community, even professionals. That's what they're there for. I do work with people around grief, but I'm not a grief therapist. There are therapists out there [00:12:00] that can help you with that. Even just a regular therapist can talk to you about feelings of loss.

It doesn't have to be a specific grief therapist. Make sure you take time to rest during the holiday season. You don't have to say yes to everything that comes your way. Really communicate your needs with people that you trust. One of the things my husband knows when I go to a party with him, there might be a point where I get uncomfortable and I've already told him.

Under a certain circumstance, when I'm at a party at a certain place, if I say to him, it's time to go, don't ask me a question. Don't, don't do anything other than grab the kids and we're leaving and then we can talk about it later. That was something I needed him to understand. I may have a need to leave immediately.

He understands, [00:13:00] and hopefully I will never be in that position, but. He knows now, creating an exit plan for yourself, if you're going to a family member's house that you know the conversation might be triggering. Maybe there's a person there that has harmed you in the past and you just know that you might need to leave.

Create that exit plan and communicate that with whoever you need to communicate it with, and don't feel shame about it. Don't feel bad about it. And during the season too, make sure you schedule time to do things that you find pleasurable. For me, the last year, I've really been turning to art. In the fall of last year, I felt a lot of fear and overwhelm, and this need to get off of my phone, to not read the news, to not scroll social media.

I just needed. Something that I could [00:14:00] do with my time. So I started making weird art. I am not a trained artist. I took an art class in high school. That's about it for me. That's been looking like what some people call an art journal, a combination art junk journal where I glue stuff in there. I've taught myself watercolors.

I just look for some. Videos on YouTube. There's definitely lots of 'em out there. I've done Zen Tangles, which is like a doodling style. I've started collaging with old magazines. I save stuff now when we go places, and then I create. A page in this art junk journal, whatever it is for you. You know, it might be dancing, it might be, you know, just going out and exercising.

Movement is a huge thing for me. I definitely move my body every day, [00:15:00] wake up in the morning and I do some type of movement, especially when I feel overwhelmed by everything that's going on. I need to move my body. If there's a quick little. Art technique that I could share with you that might be something you can use to calm yourself.

It's super simple. I actually find that now I carry a ballpoint pen in my purse and a little notepad. I like to draw the outline of a shape. Maybe it's a circle, a heart, the outline of a tree, or. Clouds like you used to draw when you were a kid. You know, a sun like that type of thing. Like a super simple outline.

And then inside that shape, I just start to make a pattern. I draw a repeating pattern. Circles are easy, like little [00:16:00] tiny circles. Sometimes I'll do spirals. Sometimes I'll just do like wavy zigzag lines, but I just fill in that space. Slowly and with intention, the movement of my hand and my arm and my eyes following the pen and just quieting really helps me calm down and helps me to relax my mind.

That could be something you can try, even if you're out at a party. I'm at the point now where I don't even care if people think I'm weird, even if I'm just listening to a conversation, listening to somebody talk. I'll doodle. It's not that I'm not listening. It's actually sometimes easier for me to focus on a conversation if I'm doing something like that.

I don't care if people think I'm weird. I will get my notebook on pen out and I'll doodle on a piece of paper. Just remember, you're not alone and feeling this way around the holidays. Try to treat yourself [00:17:00] with gentleness and compassion. Don't be afraid to say no to things. Slow down a little, create some new rituals for yourself that feel good around the holidays, things that you enjoy.

Bring in pleasure in any way that you can, and don't be afraid to feel. Grateful and to feel joy even when the world around us can feel so bad. There's nothing wrong with feeling joy and pleasure while also still honoring the grief loss and sadness that's happening. You can reach, reach out to me, you know, at any time if you have any.

Thoughts about this? If you have any stories about it, I don't know, just shoot me an email. Find me on social media. My name is, you know, either my business name, end of Life Clarity on Social Media, or look for Jill McClennen [00:18:00] on Facebook. I'm always happy to connect with people on social media. Remember, you're not alone.

We can get through this holiday season together. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or family member who might find it interesting. Your support in spreading the podcast is greatly appreciated. Please consider subscribing on your favorite podcast platform and leaving a five star review.

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